This post is going to be in English because I just can’t be bothered to change into another language at the moment Sorry for the spelling mistakes – nobody’s perfect! =)

And I don’t know, but maybe I hope that not as many people will understand what I’m writing. I feel more secure, although I know that most of the people who are reading this blog understand English.
Yeah, my darling doesn’t, but I will surely talk to him anyway.

The thing is that I decided to stop lying. Or at least start to say what I really think.
I sometimes didn’t write into my blog when I was feeling bad. And that was quite often I have to admit.
Why did I not write into the blog?

Because the first time I wrote really pessimistic some rumours spread. They were talking about me not feeling well and I had the impression that those rumours were not really favourable.
But on the other hand, who has the right to tell me how I have to feel?
Who says that the exchange year always has to be brilliant? Can you really honestly laugh at someone who feels bad and still think that you are doing a good thing?
Because I feel really pressured to tell everyone that I like it in England and that I’m very good.

But fact is that I like some things here. But not everything.
And at the moment there are more things i dislike. At the moment, some good things are dragging me through (can you say it this way, i don’t know )

I just don’t feel accepted in my class. They don’t seem to care a shit about me. They don’t wait for me, they don’t really talk to me, they’re not interested in me. (except in some really intimate things – great, isn’t it?)
But still I don’t know if it is worth fighting for. Because if it is, if I can improve the situation, I’ll do all I can.
But if it doesn’t get better after the holidays – I seriously have to think about coming home- back to switzerland.

The only thing I’m really scared of are the reaction of people.
I don’t even know how it will be when I put that post on the internet.

But a good friend said to me, it’s better to come home than to suffer the whole time.
And if I’ll only suffer, it just makes no sense, does it?

But I’m still scared of going home. I don’t know how the reactions are going to be. And I don’t know who will laugh at me. And maybe I’ll regret coming back later.
And I no absolutely NOBODY who came back from an exchange year because of his or her own decision. The only people that went home were being sent back home because they had done something wrong.

So I just don’t know what to do.
It even could be possible that my situation is not as bad as I think it is.
I have a bit of a paranoia and think that people hate me even if they don’t. My imagination has always been brilliant.

I want to stop now.
Sorry if this post is very confusing, I just needed to write something down.

I love you all
Ann

I wrote this post yesterday evening.
But now things have changed a bit.
Although Chloe and Jennifer won’t spend time with me this weekend because they want to be together. Just to remind you, Jennifer is Alexis’ sister and normally goes home on the weekends. But not this time. Meg is out this weekend – another exception.
So Chloe and Jennifer wanted to go shopping without me today, but it’s ok with me, because I don’t feel very well anyway (sore throat) and I need some rest.
I had a very long discussion with my mother on the phone. This gave me a bit new courage.
I haven’t surrendered. Not yet.
I have to get myself out of the misery that is only my fault. I felt too sorry for me.
Things don’t always are the way I want. It also reassured my that I could go home if I wanted.
But as long as I see the shining ray in the dark sky, I will not stop to fight.
My mother also told me that I have to take some time for me, and find my center once again.
That’s exactly what I’m doing this weekend: Be alone, play computer games, practise some piano and recorder, read, sleep a lot.

You see, my feelings change every single day.
But I hope that the change from yesterday to today will be a permanent one, one that lasts for a while.
The thing that brings me down the most is me – I will try hard that I can stay in England.
But if it doesn’t work, I can still go home. So I have two possibilities.
What more can I want?

Ann

Hallo alle zusammen!

Im Moment ist grad erste Hausaufgaben-Zeit (Preptime) Ich glaube, ich habe das noch nie beschrieben, also:
Bei uns gibt es zwei Zeiten, in denen man im Zimmer sein muss und eigentlich Hausaufgaben machen sollte.
Normalerweise heisst das für mich, dass ich alles auf die zweite Zeit schiebe und in der ersten nur am Computer hänge
Erste Zeit ist von halb sechs bis halb sieben, zweite Zeit von halb acht bis viertel nach acht.
Bitte kein falsches Mitleid – lacht mich nur aus hehe

Hmm… was soll ich euch noch erzählen? Ich freue mich schon irrsinnig auf die Ferien, denn ich fliege am Freitag Abend heim und nächsten Sonntag wieder zurück nach England. In der Zwischenzeit gehen wir skifahren. Ich freue mich so!

In der Klasse werde ich ziemlich ignoriert. Ich bin einfach für die Aussenseiterrolle geboren, glaube ich. Im Moment habe ich keine gute Freundin, denn alle Freundinnen, die mir ein bisschen näher gekommen waren, sind alle total von Alexis begeistert und beachten mich gar nicht mehr. Vielleicht muss ich mich mehr einmischen…
Ich weiss doch auch nicht. Hoffe nur, dass es besser wird.

Heute habe ich ein paar praktische Probleme lösen können – z.b. wie ich am Freitag zum Flughafen komme.
Als ich im Büro von der zuständigen Frau war hat sie sofort gewusst, wer ich bin. Das hat mich ziemlich verwirrt, weil ich erst heute Mittag entschieden habe, zu dieser gewissen Zeit in das Büro zu gehen.
Die Frau hat aber nur gesagt, dass sie ALLES wisse
Auf jeden Fall hat sie mich für einen Sixtform Student gehalten (die Abschliessenden)
Und sie hat gemeint, dass ich mich freuen müsse auf die Schweiz, nach einem Monat hier. Sie kann es sich scheinbar nicht vorstellen, dass es jemandem hier gefallen könnte.
Es ist ja auch nicht die Verkörperung des Wortes Spass hier.
Das nächste mal werde ich sicher zu einer Gastfamilie gehen
Aber so schlecht ist es hier wirklich nicht!

Vielleicht kommt noch mehr in nächster Zeit, habe im Moment gerade die Lust verloren zu schreiben.
Also
So long
Ann